Mallard the geek, who had been kind to Mrs. Peele, was there, obviously trying to stay as far away from Gina as possible because, as she had laughingly confided to me, she had told him, "Point blank". In her inimitable way, "If you don't stop bugging me and following me around, I am going to get my Swiss nine-millimeter simi-automatic Sig Sauer P226, and shoot both of your nuts off, one at a time!" I really don't blame him for being scared. Gina was the type of girl that you never knew if she was serious or not, or what she was really capable of doing. Knowing Mallard as I did, I knew that he was probably taking what she had said entirely too seriously, and was thinking about it incessantly.
There were several people there that I didn't know. I had heard that Mrs. Peele's apartment had been re-rented to her niece, but I didn't know which one she was. Mrs. Plunket, at her merriest, peering giant eyed at everyone through double thick eye glasses, was bringing in a tray of chia pets. Froggy, the perfect host, came up to me with this poor frightened creature in tow. "This is Linda." He said hoarsely, cocking his head over at a bad angle so he could see my face. "I am going to leave her here with you to get acquainted." He said seriously. "She is, was, is er...Mrs. Peele's Niece. "Turning to her he said. "Stay with him, he will take good care of you." It was as though he were talking to a small child. He gave me her hand, which I took without thinking. With that he spun on his heal and hopped off to make more people feel comfortable. We just stood there for what seemed like a long time, holding hands, and not looking at each other, she periodically pushed her thick glasses up off of her perfect little pug nose, with her middle finger. We both started to giggle. I started to breath hard through my mouth, because this helped to stop it. I knew that if I ever got started laughing, I would have to leave the party.
Finally I broke the ice. "Good old Froggy, always the match maker. hehehe." She was as lean and adorable as a child. She came up to my shoulder. She nodded her head, in agreement with me, and the funny little hat she was wearing almost fell off, she then, letting go of my hand, caught it awkwardly, while at the same time, catching her eye glasses with the other hand. I had to smile, she was as disarmingly precious as a puppy and just about as awkward. I noticed that her hat still had the price tag on it. She glance shyly at me and furtively placed her glasses into a monstrous leather bag whose strap was all but strangling her. The way she was squinting I could tell that the poor thing was half blind.
Just then, Gina popped up, glass in hand. She stuck her other hand out to Linda, who was holding my hand again like a small child crossing the street. "You are Mrs. Peele's Niece." Sounding as though Linda wasn't aware of the fact. As they engaged in conversation, I began to notice that Linda was not bad to look at, once you got past the ill fitting clothes and total lack of makeup. She was probably a real red head, judging from her extra white skin with freckles, you know, the kind that never seems to tan, an almost comical contrast with Gina's U.V. baked skin.
Finally Gina moved off, leaving us in that same awkward moment we were in, just before she had assailed us. I was not in a position just then to see what color Linda's eye's were, but I couldn't help but remember them. They were a beautiful light green, reminding me of the shade of green found on a semitropical shoreline, with warm ocean water running up on a white sandy beach. I had remembered when she looked up at me, over the top of her glasses, how unbelievably helpless and sexy they made her look.
Embarrassed about her clumsiness, she told me that her mother had once said that she needed a keeper. I had to laugh. I told her that my mother had said exactly the same thing about me. It was her turn to laugh, and then we laughed together. "I wonder if my mother knows your mother?" I quipped, expecting her to laugh, but instead, she looked up at me, her green eyes had changed to a darker shade. "I just realized, that with my aunts passing, all of my relatives are dead. I'm the only one left." I was horrified at what I had said about her mother. "Oh, I am so sorry, I didn't realize." "Oh no, it's alright, my mother died almost three years ago. I am quite used to the fact now." She smiled an embarrassed smile, nice even white teeth and sensitive mouth caught me off guard. She had this adorable pixyish look about her face. Her long red hair, tied back in a pony tail, with bangs that all but covered her eyes. I heard myself say, as if hearing someone else saying it, "You are just about the cutest thing I have ever seen." She blushed such a deep shade of red, that it almost matched her hair. She had long lanky legs, you know, the kind that looks good in Jeans. Her voice, although slightly childish, was very pleasant to listen to, and she made surprisingly good intelligent conversation. I could tell that she liked me by the way she blushed and looked down every time we made eye contact. "What kind of work do you do?" I asked to break the tension. "I was advised to quit my job, but when I was working, I worked in a school for special children. You know, children with special problems." "Was it your health, if you don't mind me asking?" I asked, concerned. "No." She replied, seemingly amused. "It was because of my inheritance."
"My Aunt was extremely wealthy, and I was her only living relative." She explained matter-of-factly. "Hmmmm, I never dreamed that Mrs. Peele was rich. She lived so simply. I just assumed that she was getting along on social security." "My Uncle was always very lucky. As I understand it, he invented something that was very profitable. He immediately invested in the stock market at the perfect time, and "sold short" just before the market started to go back down, which gradually took most everyone else to ruin, because they kept thinking that the market would go back up. He rode the market all the way down, making one fortune, and then, buying at the lowest point, he rode it all the way up, making another one! By this time he had amassed quite a large amount of liquid assets, most of which was now in interest bearing accounts." Curiosity got the better of me. "Why did you decide to move in here? I mean, if I had that kind of money, I would move somewhere nice, perhaps overlooking the beach." She was starting to get more comfortable with me. "The same firm, and personal friend of my aunts, who kept her money safe, while she lived on the interest, advised me to move into here for a while and get used to the idea of having lots and lots of money. This would keep all of the "opportunists" away from my door. Once I had gotten used to the idea I could buy a place or whatever I wanted, and he would advise me when ever I wanted him to. Meanwhile, I got a very nice car that had belonged to my uncle, and they transferred a sizable chunk of money into my bank account. Plus, there was still some tax sheltering he wanted to set up for me. He is such a smart man. I am extremely lucky to have him. He is, in a way, like a part of my inheritance."
Unfortunately, the very first thing my uncle bought was a beautiful red Ferrari sports car, something he had always wanted, but thought he could never have, and accidently drove it off of Mulholland Drive, not an hour after he bought it, and he was dead. She said, suppressing a giggle. "I don't know why this is so funny to me? I guess, that it is partially because the last time I saw my aunt and uncle I was just three, so all of this is just like a wonderful dream. I mean, doesn't everyone joke about having a rich uncle that dies and leaves them millions of dollars?" She laughed, trying to regain control. I had to breath through my mouth to keep from laughing. "The car was a total wreak, and so was my uncle!" She was laughing so hard now that she could hardly speak. And my aunt was suddenly an extremely wealthy widow. She squealed, They even replaced the car because of the extra life insurance my uncle had taken out on it, so she didn't even have to pay for it!" She said, laughing even harder. "I parked it in the garage, below, if you would like to see it. It's hardly been used." We both began howling with laughter. Everyone stopped what they were doing to see what was so funny. Oh no, I thought, now I will probably have to add being kicked out of a wake to my resume! We finally quieted down, and began to look at each other in an entirely different way.
Mallard tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear. "Curtis." He said wetly. His teeth playing jingle bells. I held my breath to avoid the inevitable rush of horrible breath, but I was about two seconds too late. "Mallard." I said, trying to be polite. "Have you met Linda?" I waved my arm to indicate her, but she had slipped around to the side and back of me so only her green eyes peered out from under my arm. I continued. "She has rented Mrs. Peele's room." I had forgotten to mention that she was Mrs. Peele's niece. "Hi." He waved half heartedly. Linda, wide eyed, replied, "Pleased to teeth you." Mallard continued, too concerned to notice Linda's erratum. "Curtis. He whispered desperately. "I need to talk to you, it is very important!" "OK." I said, straining not to laugh. "But not right now. Come by my apartment later, after this is over. He shook his head looking more toothy than usual, and left.
"Friend of yours?" She asked. Emerging from under my arm. "God! I can't believe I said teeth!" "He is my brother." I said feigning sadness, having her on. "He was a co-joined twin, but I had him removed." She began to laugh out loud. It was a contagious laugh, and I started laughing as well. We couldn't seem to stop. All we had to do was look at each other and it would start all over again. Finally, we had to run into the hall, and all the way to her room, to avoid Mrs. Plunket, whose self satisfied smile was morphing into a terrible growly face. "Want to go for a drive in my beautiful red Ferrari?" "Sure!" I said happily. "A good car to drive after a war." Doing my Bob Dylan imitation.
I thought that she would be a perfect buddy for going to funerals and candle light walks for cancer patients. I wondered if she could do arm farts?