It was Saturday, and I needed to do my laundry. I got up and made a very strong cup of coffee. I showered and got dressed in a pair of dirty jeans, a smelly pullover sweatshirt, tennis shoes and a base ball cap. This is pretty much what I usually wore, but today we were way past defcon 4.
I hadn't seen Old Dick for a while, and some deranged part of me missed him and his little grandson. So it was particularly disturbing to me when I heard that the old man had suddenly burst into flames right there in the laundry room.
SPONTANEOUS
COMBUSTION
Froggy speculated that it was a case of a mysterious phenomenon known as "spontaneous combustion". It seems that, for no apparent reason, people just suddenly catch on fire.
It took a while for me to stop worrying about me, suddenly and without any reason what so ever, bursting into flames. However, my fear was nothing compared to Mallard's, who, it was rumored, spent most of his time sitting naked in a bathtub full of cold water. I really didn't believe the rumor until one day I actually saw him. He had aged terribly. His skin was very puckered up and deathly white, looking kind of like Darth Vader, whenever he took off his helmet.
Anyway, I couldn't avoid the laundry room any longer. All of my clothes had failed the sniff test, and lately, even the sight test! So it was with great trepidation, that I carried my mound of over ripe laundry down to the subterranean parking, and finally to the laundry room door.
A
FUNNY
SMELL
I swear I thought I could smell something still lingering in the air, that could very well have been a remnant of Old Dead Dick. Even though someone had replaced the chair that he had been sitting on when this unfortunate incident had occurred, the floor was charred in a circle around the new chair. Even the walls and ceiling showed signs of terrific heat.
As I put the quarters into the laundry machines, I couldn't help wondering if old Dick's grandson, 911, might have had something to do with him suddenly catching on fire?
Later in my room, while I was putting my laundry away, with lots of help from Mrs. Peele, who liked to get under the sheets when I was trying to make the bed, and into my sock drawer. She obviously thought it was her sworn duty to knock the socks out of the drawer as fast as I could roll them up and put them in.
FROM
AWFUL
TO
TERRIBLE
It had started off as a nice day, but just got worse and worse as the day progressed. For example, I had to walk to the bank. It was a beautiful day and I thought the walk would do me good. After the bank, I was going to meet Gina at the Restaurant. As I stepped up to the teller, I caught a whiff of something that smelled like a barbecue. I asked the teller what that wonderful smell was? She looked at me as if I were deranged and said that the pet store next door had burn down the night before, which made me feel a little queasy and very embarrassed.
Next, I got a strange phone call from Linda on my cell phone. She wanted to know how I was, and apologized for running away, and wanted to invite me to her wedding, which was strange because I thought we were still married. Then, without going into any details, she said it was nice talking with me, and hung up.
I had considered myself as being somewhat depressed, what with old Dick burning up and all, but now, I was really depressed after hearing Linda's wedding plans. I had sort of thought we would get back together, once she learned that I still had my num nums in good working condition, but our brief conversation had really put a cork in it.
A
VERY
GAY
WEDDING
I learned later, from my mother, when I called her from my cell phone, that Linda and my sister were planning a huge gay wedding. I of course thought gay meant festive. I even asked my mother who the lucky guy was. My mother soon set me straight by telling me that Linda and my sister were getting married. I was already feeling a bit queasy from the bank, and poor burnt Dick, but now I really felt queasy, like I might pass out or even hurl, and I had to quickly put my head between my legs, which was not easy, because I was having breakfast with Gina at the little restaurant around the corner.
"Curtis, why do you have your head between your legs?" Gina was asking. Evidently everyone else in the restaurant was curious as well, because they were all turned around and staring unabashedly at me, as though they had just seen me on the six o'clock news.
After I tearfully told Gina what had happened with Linda, and that I was feeling very queasy. she tried to console me, and then pointed out that it would be better if I sat down before I put my head between my legs.
I felt as though the earth was spinning faster and faster, making it difficult for me to hang on, and avoid being flung unceremoniously into outer space.