"Your uncle Jake was by far the toughest man I ever knew. As ya know, he did a comedy act around town at the various Disco bars in Hollywood. He would get me and one eyed bobby to go hire him the biggest meanest looking guy we could find, to interrupt his show. He would then go down and confront the man, and put him in his place. Even make him apologize. It was extra funny because Jake was so short! The crowd loved it."
"This one time, me and bobby made the mistake of paying this big dummy up front. This usually worked out well. We did it so we wouldn't have to bother with paying the guy later. Now, this fella we hired got so drunk on the money we gave him that he passed out before the act even started. The act went on, without your uncle knowing that there wasn't going to be a heckler, and we had no immediate way of letting him know."
"Jake was about a third the way through his act when a real heckler began laughing at the wrong times, and making crude remarks. Jake, thinking it was his cue, got down off of the stage and, to the our horror, confronted the man. Now, as luck would have it, this guy was much bigger than anyone we had hired to date. Easily six eight and pushing four hundred pounds. We watched, paralyzed, as Jake, who was only about five foot four, and about a hundred and twenty pounds dripping wet, faced the monster."
"Jake had bright red hair and a noticeable Irish lilt. He was a man of sparse words, whether he was acting or not." "Shut your face or I will shut it for you!" "He says. Some of the regular patrons thought they knew it was part of the act, and of course laughed, which began to outrage the big man." Pat took a little swig of Irish whiskey, right out of the bottle. He motioned for me to take a swig as well, but I declined.
"It was actually pretty funny to see little Jake, with his flaming red hair, tellin' this guy off." "There they were, face to face, with Jake standing up, and the man sitting down. The man stood up, stretching to his full height. The patrons who thought it was real, gasped out of fear for Jakes life." Pat was laughing now.
"Jake came up to about the fellows privates, which made it even funnier. The big fella looked down at tiny Jake and said." "Are you addressing me little man? Or is it little lady?"
Pat was laughing even harder. "By this time, everyone was laughing, cept me and Bobby, who were shittin' in our pants!" Pat looked serious, and shook his finger up in the air. "When I'm talking to ya, I want ya ta look me in da face." Pat couldn't help laughing. "Jake has got this high toned Irish brogue, which made it all the funnier. The man pushed his crotch towards Jakes face with a little wiggle. This must have angered Jake, because he grabbed hold of the mans crotch and squeezed with all of his wiry strength. The man bent down in agony to about Jakes level. With a quick motion of his other hand, Jake hit the him square in the Adams apple. Letting him go, he took the man gently by the shoulders and said." "Breath deeply. That's it. You're gona be jest fine." "He said this in a most kindly manner." "Now, I want an apology from ya. Cause if ya don't, I will have ta get mean." "The man, still in pain, looked terribly fearfull at Jake and said." "I'm very sorry. It won't happen again."
Pat was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his red cheeks. "Later, Jake came to me and Bobby and says, "Ya done good boys. See if ya can hire that big fella again. I think he's gonna work out just fine!"
"We never did tell Jake that the man we hired got drunk, and that he bested one of the stoutest men in Hollywood! Hahahaha! Oh boy, dem were da days!" He said slapping his knee. "I just wish ya could of been there Curtis!"
I excused myself, and with promises of coming back soon, I went to my room. Mrs. Peele was there, bless her little kitty soul. She was the only company I had lately. I mean, you know that I am really lonely when I want to go visit Pat!
I hadn't seen Linda for about a week. She still had her room across the hall, and a bunch of her things were strewn about my apartment, kind of like an aftermath of a parade. It was the feeling one gets after a parade, when everyone has gone home, and you are there alone looking at the mess. I don't know exactly why she left, but I felt that I had probably been a stepping stone to her freedom. I had unlocked the cage in which she had been held prisoner for so many years. Once it was open, she had to fly! She wanted me to fly with her, out into the "wild blue yonder." As she called it. She just couldn't seem to understand that I, unlike her, was incapable of flying. And so, she was gone, and I was back to where I had started, wishing I had at least purchased a new pair of blue jeans, and perhaps a new pair of tennis shoes. I looked in the closet at all of the stuff she had gotten for me, and not one single item had she asked me about before hand. There was literally nothing there I could, or more precisely, would wear. I made a mental note to give it all to Willard.
Linda was not one for, "long lingering", in any kind of remotely distasteful reality. It was just her flighty nature. Which means, her leaving me might have had something to do with when I told her about the doctors wanting cut out my testicles. Now, normally, she would have had me taken to the best doctors around, for second and third opinions, but this time she just screamed and ran away. That was the last time I saw her! But, here I am, getting ahead of my story.
My performance in bed had gotten so bad that it was Linda who suggested I go to the doctors and find out what was the matter. I made an appointment for tests. About a week later, the doctor called me in.
"Curtis, I think you had better sit down." Since I was already sitting down, I simply nodded my head. I could see it was very painful for him to tell me whatever it was. Finally, He managed to say, chewing on his lips. "You have the testosterone level of a little girl."
"Is there anything that can be done?" I asked, concerned.
"Curtis, there is no nice way to tell you this, but you have cancer."
I gulped.
"But wait!" He said. "That is the good news!" He was twisting his tie, pulling his hair and squirming in his seat. I was quite concerned for him.
"You have prostate cancer, and I recommend an immediate orchidectomy!" He blurted, having trouble breathing. "If you don't, you run the risk of bone cancer, which is something you never want to get!"
"Hmmmm." I said, interested. "And what exactly is an orch....what did you say?"
He took a deep breath. "An orchidectomy. It a process where we remove your testicles."
I began to feel dizzy. Little white bugs were floating everywhere.
"Don't worry",he said, "We leave the sack. We can even put in a prosthesis so it won't be just an empty flap. It looks and feels very realistic."
I was starting to wobble around on my chair. "Here, just put your head between your legs, and breath deeply." I felt as though someone had just tried to removed my guts with an ice cream scoop!
I finally began to regain some composure. I tried to speak, fighting back nausea, but I sounded a lot like Mickey Mouse. I heard myself say, I think I'll get a second opinion, and began to stagger out into the outer office, holding onto my precious "num nums.", as Linda was fond of calling them.
The girl at the front desk, chewing gum, noticing my body language. She asked, "Orchidectomy?" I squeaked, "Yes." She stopped chewing for a brief moment and curling her lip in sympathy said. Ouch!"
"You look like one sad puppy!" Froggy said. He and Willard were pulling up some broken linoleum tile, and replacing them with new ones. Willard looked at me and nodded understandingly. It looked like he was getting his teeth fixed. They were actually not bad to look at. "What's the matter?" Froggy was not one to let something go. I began to cry uncontrollably. "Oh God! They want to cut off my balls!"
Both Froggy and Willard took a hold of my arms, trying to comfort me. "Where are the bastards, I will go get my shotgun!" And Willard said, "And I will go get Gina!"
"No! Wait!" I said between sobs. "It's my doctor!" They both had identical looks on there faces. They said, almost in unison. "Orchidectomy?" I nodded my head. They involuntarily let me go, as if I had suddenly developed leprosy. I am not sure, but I think that Froggy even crossed himself. It was then that I was faced with the excruciating burden of telling my little precious Linda what they had wanted to do to my num nums.
She looked at me in horror, and fainted right there on the floor! I revived her and explained that they could put this thing inside of my sack so you couldn't tell, that way it wouldn't be just a flat flap." She screamed again, and ran out holding her hands over her ears. That was the last time I saw her.
I was still pretty shook up about the whole thing, but I figured, what the hell, I just won't get it done, I mean after all, they can't make me, can they?.
Just then the phone rang, it was a different doctor, evidently the head surgeon. I have scheduled you for surgery tomorrow morning. You must come in now, so we can get you ready." He sounded like the kind of surgeon who thought of all his patients as bank deposits. "Doctor." I said in my most adult voice. "I have decided not to have this done!" "But you don't seem to understand Curtis, remember that paper you signed, well it says that you no longer have a say in the matter. In fact, it means that if you insist on being silly about this, I will be forced to bring in the police. Now you wouldn't want that would you?"
"Now see here!" I said. "This is still the United States of America, the last time I looked! So, if you are so fired up to cut some ones balls off, why don't you start with your own! Asshole!" And with that I slammed down the receiver. I couldn't remember the last time I was so upset. I was literally shaking. I mean, the nerve of that guy.
It wasn't twenty minutes later that the same two cops banged on my door! "We know you are in there! We can do this the easy way or the hard way!" I panicked. Pretending to be Linda, I said in a falsetto. "Curtis isn't here." I had seen a similar situation in a Chevy Chase movie. "Open the door miss. It will go easier for everybody. "I don't have anything to wear. I am naked as a Jay bird. Hehehe. Just hair, tits and teeth. Hehehe" "Open this door or we will break it down!" "Just a minute, I have to go poopy."
All I had on was a white turtle neck sweater and underpants, but I figured I had about 10 seconds to get the bedroom window open, and make my escape. Certainly not enough time to get dressed. The window made a telltale sound. They must have heard it because they immediately crashed the door open. When they ran into my bedroom, I was purched on the window sill. "Stand back or I will jump!" They stopped for a second, and then moved in to grab me. It was then I remembered that I lived on the ground floor, and it was only about four feet down from the window ledge to the guest parking lot. I jumped down on the asphalt and began running. I heard one of the officers say, "He's rabbiting!" I knew he had stolen that line from the first "terminator" movie. I heard a sort of loud crack, and not only heard the bullet whiz by my ear, but felt the sting of it! I was able to leap over a bush and ran until I couldn't run any more. I found myself in the nice park around the corner, where I would often go for a walk, and where people would walk their dogs in the morning. It was getting dark, and there were lots of thick bushes to hide in, so I dove into a particularly inviting one and hid before anyone spotted me. The bullet had nicked my ear, and was bleeding profusely! All I had on a white turtle neck that Linda had bought me, and a pair of jocky shorts. There was blood all over. I mean, it must have looked like I had been attacked by wolves. Finally it was dark, and the bleeding had stopped. It was a warm night, and I thought I could either sleep here, in the bushes, or go to Gina's. I thought I had better stay away from my apartment building for a while, knowing those two cops, so I settled down for the night. I usually try to do a grateful list when things go wrong. I thought what a nice night it was, and how it could have been a lot worse if the bullet had been a couple of inches to the left. It was then that the mosquitoes came for their dinner. When they were through, they invited all of their relatives!
Sometime during the night, the mosquitoes evidently couldn't suck another drop of blood, either because I didn't have any more, or perhaps they were just too full. In any event, Kronos showed up in my dream. I was running from the towns people. It was near the castle, but instead of torches, they all had on surgical masks, and were waving shiny things in the air, which, to my horror, I realized were a various assortment of surgeons knives, saws and scissors! I was naked of course, and my balls had grown monstrously large, and were banging on my knees, making it difficult to run. I heard Krono's voice, he was just above me in the air, reaching his hand down to get me. He was singing. "Come fly with me, come fly away...."