At my mothers behest, and driving her pickup truck, you know, the one with the camper shell on the back. I had to take my Aunt Edith shopping for groceries. I'm not exactly sure how it started, but somehow, I was expected to take her shopping once a week. As I recall, it started when I volunteered to take her for one time. This had been going on for about a year now, with no relief in sight.
MY
MOTHERS
PICK
UP
TRUCK
My Uncle Ed, who lived with Aunt Edith, evidently because they were married, didn't like to take her shopping. Well, I had news for him, neither did I! You see, Aunt Edith lived in Long Beach, and I lived in West Hollywood. This was about a two hour drive if you took the Freeway. When I finally did get to their house, she was visibly upset because I was six hours late. This was due to my fear of driving my mother's pickup on the Freeway. The last time I had driven it on the freeway, it burnt all of the hair off of my head, while trying to put the fire out, due to a leaky carburetor, but that is another story. Anyway, I had to take surface streets all of the way to their house.
All and all, I guess that they were nice people, I mean, at least, they weren't mass murderers or anything. Their house always smelled funny. Ed said it was from the cesspool, but I though it was more likely from them. I noticed,one time when I had to use the bathroom, that they had lots of boxes stored in their bathtub shower combination. Since they only had one bathroom, I couldn't help wondering how they ever took a bath? When I asked my aunt about it, she had a fainting spell, right there on the kitchen floor.
She was wearing the same dress she had worn every time I saw her The dress was black, but stretched over her elephantine bottom, so that there was no doubt that she was not wearing any underwear. She had on odd colored nylons which she had rolled down to just below her knees, which I thought looked rather tacky. Her hair, which was obviously a wig, because it was evidently way too big for her head, and always wobbled around, was a nice shade of blond, but was, for some reason, strangely puffed out to resemble a cross between a droopy Frisbee, and a blond umbrella. Put this together with the wobble, and you had a major traffic stopper.
I mean, what the hell, after all, she was my aunt. And I will say in her defense, that she had her good points. She was a kind person, who never said anything bad about anyone. She Always kept me informed about her various illnesses, and which of her friends had died. Every year, on my birthday, ever since I was a little kid, she would send me a birthday card with a dollar in it. I know it's silly, but even as a grown man, I looked forward to receiving it in the mail. I would eagerly open up the card, and there would be the one dollar bill. It is funny how things like that can have such a profound affect on you.
I never saw Uncle Ed very much, he was always out back watering or something, which I thought was strange, because it was usually dark out. But when I did see him, he was also very nice. He too was huge. I couldn't imagine what their food bill looked like.
POOR
SHOPPING
ETIQUETTE
My dear sweet aunt had some quirky shopping habits. For example, while shopping, people would stop and watch her test the steaks by sticking her less than clean thumb nail into them. I guess this was her way of telling if the meat was ripe or not. I finally asked her why she was doing that, mainly because I thought that if anyone from the store saw her, they would probably ask us to leave, having noticed one of those dark globe things mounted on the ceiling, just above us. How was I to know that as soon as I critiqued her shopping etiquette, she would pass out right there on top of the hamburger section. It took five employees and me to carry her out to the truck. She finally came around and said she was famished, and why didn't we go to her favorite Chinese Restaurant.
As we drove into the parking lot, I couldn't help notice their sign. "Chinese all you can eat, and Dim Sum." My aunt was too large to fit into a booth, so we were seated out in the middle of the room at the only table in the place. I felt like everyone was looking at us, which I found out later, was true. The Chinese waiter came up to me and very politely ask if I would ask my friend to please close her legs, because it was making people ill.
I glanced around, and several people with children had very growly faces. Even snarly faces. The waiter left, and I prepared myself for anything.
"Aunt Edith", I said in my nicest voice. Some people are complaining that they can't eat because you have your legs open, and have no undies on."
I figured, at the very worst, she would just pass out, and five Chinese waiters and me, would carry her out to the truck. However, nothing could prepare me for what happened next. Without any warning, she stuck both of her feet spread eagle, up in the air, and her head as far down as blubber would permit, evidently trying to see what was showing, which set off a small exodus. People grabbing their children, ran out of the restaurant without stopping to pay.
Since I was in the line of fire, so to speak, meaning that I had a bird's eye view of my Aunt's lovelies, I did everything in my power not to look. "Please Lord, don't let me look! Please don't let me look!" But I felt my eyes moving inexorably toward that place, against my will.... I looked! "Holy shit!" I screamed, "What in the hell is that?"
My Aunt was packing! And as I surmised, wasn't my aunt at all, but was instead, my Uncle Ed in drag. Now I understood why he didn't want to drive her anywhere, cause he was she! This also explained why I never actually saw them together at the same time.
When I told Gina what had happened, she almost wet herself from laughing so hard. When I told her that I didn't think it was very funny, she laughed twice as hard. Finally, I had to laugh too.
I hesitated telling my mother that my Aunt Edith was actually my Uncle Ed, however, when I did, she said. "I thought you knew. Everyone else in the family knows. What a terrible way to find out. I wonder if this means she will stop sending you a birthday card with a dollar in it?"
I had to admit that my family was, well, strange at times, but, I mean, they were my kin, and I loved them all, no matter what.